And I love our boys together. They had a really good visit today. William really perked up when James arrived and he smiled and laughed when James read "Walter the Farting Dog". Ahh, potty humor. James understands that time is precious and it looked like the weight of the world was lifted off his shoulders this afternoon after we left. James had a really rough visit on Wednesday night (maybe it was Tuesday, we are tired). William was very irritated (very irritated for William, less irritated than me in commute traffic) and James could sense this. William wasn't always awake and wasn't always making sense when he was talking. On a couple of occasions, I thought James was going to shoot through the roof with anxiety. Why put my kid through this? Because life isn't fair. And this is our life. And it is important to take our son through this transition time so he too can transition. Yes, it is painful for him but he goes to visit to honor his friendship with his best friend, that is all he has to offer. We do not believe (and I say "we", but my husband is the psychologist who gently guides us with his brain bending to right my wrongs) that you hide the tough stuff from your kids because it teaches them that you are not honest with them and you believe they are not strong enough to handle the tough stuff. We also bring our son down this tough road because pretending this experience is anything less than the most painful moment of his life is disrespectful to his friend. Any questions? I didn't think so.
So we had a bad visit the other night and when we go home we just sat in the driveway and finished talking about what was happening. James really hoped that we would get one more good visit with William and I am so glad that happened today. At the end of our talk in the car James said, "I'm really excited for William to go to heaven". Heartbreaking, yes. But my son has compassion for his best bud and I couldn't be more proud. In tough moments James has cried that he wants to go to heaven with William because he will miss him too much. I understand this is a ten year-old boy solving an immediate problem for himself as a ten year-old boy would do but still heartbreaking. But this time he didn't mention going with William, he wasn't thinking about himself, only William. It was important for James to go through this. If he only saw William when he was feeling well, it would be much harder to understand. Adults understand cancer sucks, James gets it now too. And James understands everyone is working around the clock to keep William comfortable but he sees that there is still suffering and he wants his friend to be free of pain. We all want that.
And speaking of care- I mentioned the term "Momcologist" in my last blog, a term that I love. I propose to add "Mompharmacist" to Julie's credentials. I'm sure other parents have this same experience but Julie and Ryan are so well-versed in the drugs, and I mean the really big expensive and powerful drugs, it is amazing to me. And Julie, you know me (and my appreciation for a good little white pill) as well as anyone, so you know if I say you are a "Momcpharmacist", well that is an honor higher then Mother-of-the-Year.